Somnolence
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: Sometimes, I hate you. Wait, that gives the wrong impression. Sometimes, I /don't/ hate you. ItaKisa, based on Felix the Eeveetrainer's prompt.


**Somnolence**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**A/N: There's a suspicious red stain on my second favorite teddy bear. Some bitch has been eating hot sauce near him. ) fearsome scowl (**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Shadows chase shadows. Fallacies spout falsehoods. Laughter spawns sadness and sadness spawns passion. The light dusting of dawn pleases you, I remember. Delicate pinks and oranges on a blue canvas rendered white by the rising sun. He rises now, Itachi. Where are you?

Dead and gone, you heartless bastard.

I was going to compose a eulogy. A dedication to you, the first time I met you, the day you confessed your past, your sexuality, your love. The second one failed to surprise me. The other two revelations warped my world, and now that you're dead I can say guiltlessly that they were truths I could've gone without hearing.

I got as far as _dearly beloved_ before I gave up.

I can almost see the smirk on your face. Practice what you preach, Itachi; don't get cocky. I didn't give up because words fail to capture you—sometimes I think only words _**can **_capture you—but because I couldn't remember. I couldn't recall a single smile, a solitary joke, a speck of love from the vista of my memories. When I looked at your body—still smiling in death with the smug knowledge that your plan went your way—all I wanted to do was slap you.

You stupid boy, my mind was screaming.

How easy it would've been to let it go. To say fuck all to your idiot mission and your idiot brother and your idiot plan. You could've run away with me. To me. We could've eloped to some hilly country and set up an alpaca farm, spent our days looking after it and making new types of cheese. Well, you would've looked after the farm. I would've whiled away many an hour thinking of new ways to pleasure you.

What? Old habits die hard.

I suppose if you were here, you'd tell me my head was suppressing all my memories of you to stop the tears. I suppose you'd say I love you so much that the fact that I can't have you anymore won't fit my frame of thought. Or that I was spiraling into denial, shock, depression. I suppose you'd suppose that as soon as I had some privacy I'd sob my heart out for you and maybe go kill a few innocent people. Just to, you know, vent.

Of course, if you were here, we wouldn't need to have that sort of conversation in the first place.

The thing is, Itachi, I knew this was coming. You never told me, but I'm smarter than I like to think. I smelt it in the sudden secrecy, the way your kisses seemed to suck me dry. You were hoarding as much of me as you could carry away with you, and I'd love to say something grand and dramatic here, like _you already took away my heart. _But my heart is right here, Itachi. Its still beating in my chest, pumping cold melancholy through my body. You didn't take it with you, wherever you went.

Its still here, still breaking under the weight of your love.

It had always been fiercer than I expected. Your love, I mean. I won't claim to have known you very well (and I knew you best) but I always figured when you fell in love, it'd be shown subtly. Sensually. Sexily. Like that movie we saw, do you remember? With the boy, the girl, the kiss in the rain? She never knew he loved her until the end. But subtle wasn't your style when no one was looking. Not in love at least. I guess it's because the person you love the most—Sasuke—doesn't know you give a damn. Whatever the reason, you never forgot to say the words, or make the eyes, or hold my hand. You never tried to tone it down. I was the only person in the world you could pamper. All the love in your life was focused on me, and sometimes I was too much. after all, I had grown up loveless. To have surplus after a famine was unsettling. But you always coaxed me back into your arms. You always found a way to make me forgive you. A magnolia branch in my bath, a special kiss before sleep, a heart melting flutter of your girly eyes.

You were a fireball in bed. It still brings a smirk to my lips to think about it.

In bed was the only time I didn't mind the excess of affection, because there was no such thing as an excess of affection. You were so quiet, and I was so loud, I'm sure anyone listening in on us would think I was being murdered. Even when you were soft, you were serrated. Even when you were being gentle, you left bruises. I loved claiming you, I loved letting you claim me. What I remember vividly is how you never closed your eyes. You always looked at me. You scrutinized every corner of my soul. Sometimes I found it spooky. Mostly, it turned me on, because I knew you never fantasized about anyone else. Not to say I never did; Deidara's starred in my dreams more than I'll ever admit to a soul, living or dead. It's just…the fact that you never looked away tells me how totally you loved me.

I can still see your eyes.

I don't want to talk about that. Your eyes…they're gone forever and yet I still have their copy to look into. Every time I glance at Sasuke its like a bit of you staring me down from beyond the grave, daring me to fall apart. I just—I'm sorry. I can't go on.

I won't give you the satisfaction of making me cry.

Goddamit, tears. It doesn't matter what I do, does it? I simply can't win with you. So now I'm crying. For you. For you, you stupid boy. For the only idiot I've known to be such a genius. For the man I loved, and the boy I held through tear filled nights. I'm crying. Are you happy now, Itachi? Where's Sameheda?

I'm going to _**vent. **_

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**I strayed from the prompt, but it still inspired this gorgeous, gorgeous ficlet. ) is in awe of her own writing skills, the narcissist (**


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